Remeber This…

We got our first heavy frost on the ground this morning. May not seem like much but for Louisiana this is pretty much all we get! Fall/Winter is my most favorite time of the year. I just love the holiday’s, seeing friends and family and all the coziness of it all. Especially since the kids are getting older and really starting to “get” it and have fun with all of it. I cant believe its just a week until Christmas day, it is flying by way to fast this year. Never enough time to get it all done.

Well im off to wrap some presents.

Enjoy the day!

 Warning: EXTREME VENTING BELOW – THOUGHTS THAT MUST BE RELEASED!!!

I have lived in fear for the most part of my life. Even as a child i was always the “cautious” one of the bunch. Never jumping off anything, swinging to high,etc. Always playing it safe, warning everyone of what could happen and silently living in regret. Years later here i am doing the same thing except now i actually have a clinical “condition” and not only do i worry about those small little things, i have extreme fears that effect my daily life. Thoughts of something horrid happening that more then likely(still to scared to just say WONT) will not. I have also carried an emotional fear most of my life. Am i good enough to deserve love? Why arent i good enough to be this for that person and that for this person. Everyday it crimples me more and more inside. Some days i dont feel it and think “TADA” im so over this! AND THE BOOM, smacked in the face with some sort of fear again. I dont get it, i dont get why the fact that my arm hurts or i have a pain in my neck makes me think im dying of some horrid disease? Why cant i just be “normal”. I dont get why a person would say and treat me the way that he does when i have done nothing but long for the love he acts like he gives to be true. Why do i change little things about me due to the fear or rejection? So what if people think im dull because i dont like to go to clubs, i dont like to get drunk or do drugs or act like some foolish person as soon as i get a chance to get away from the “Stresses” of motherhood. That i regret everything i do with them everytime because its NOT me, its not who I am. I hate myself everytime i become that person just to keep those people. And why? what has it brought me? Nothing, hallow friendships is all really. Friendships that sometimes i think, Nah we are great friends and then another BOOM, smack in the face and i realize nope not really. I just want to be me, just me. With no questions or looks or complaints. I hope as i get older i let go of the fears and stop waisting life living in them because its not fun, its exhausting and im really growing weary from it all.

Maybe thats a good thing.